Hello Mellow Yellow

Go visit Mellow Yellow because life seems better with a splash of Yellow.
~~~

This picture was shot while at a store, and I think it is apt for the occasion.

Here's another one and it also includes the skeleton of Paul, the Octopus from Oberhausen who died a few days back. (I guess its tentacles are bound together in sets of two...haha!) Oh, to those sensitive ones out there, I agree with you, it is not right to make jokes of Paul's death. At least not now, when it's ink has not dried yet...haha!

Have a happy Mellow Yellow day my dear blog friends.

Like to join me for a Swim?

Dubare Elephant Camp, Coorg
Photographed on 3 January 2010

No, Mr. Crocodile, thank you. Certainly not, unless I am pushed off the edge by someone into the River Cauvery. Even then, I shall quickly learn to swim and reach the banks of the River before you decide to play with me your favourite game, Snap!:D

Yet another post on IPL

Photo shot in Nov 2008
Gorai Beach, Mumbai

When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody. I must be the only body to be able to churn out a post after it is all over...at least for this season. Everybody associated with it - whether viewers, spectators, players, officials, TV crew - were gleefully occupied for almost six weeks! For me too, it became the daily addiction in the evenings. I’m, of course, talking about the IPL. About cricket, the favorite boring game to many; not the insect.

How was IPL to you? To me, IPL was both a mix of the empyreal and ridiculous.

I don’t know if arrangements were made to pump nitrous-oxide in the commentary box, but I liked it when commentators hyped up about a batsman for shooting two consecutive lusty shots to the boundaries only to watch him perish at the next delivery. Or, for that matter, when a bowler was showered with heavenly praise for a few dot balls only to be seen thwacked into outer space while closing that over. Doesn’t it sound sublime, yet ludicrous? What do you have to say?

A business tycoon has said only a small “part” of his package of $1.55 million for his gora-captain was for his cricketing worth, and the rest was for the goodwill he brought to his business. But eventually it was the dear desi-test-captain (with whom I’ve had the pleasure to chat up with at an airport) who lifted the team right up to the final game!

In my house once the match began, for fear of permanent disbarment from watching TV ever again, it was forbidden to change the TV channels to watch anything else (that I am not an avid TV watcher is another matter). If I were in a group, while enjoying the company of charming folks around, the unsolicited and unwarranted detailed “expert” analysis of team performances and past matches was a part and parcel of the scenario. As if there were not enough discussion panels on TV doing the same! Those times, I won’t even begin to write about the punishment meted out to me: compulsory viewing of the annoying clockwork frequency of the repetitive ads.

Indian ads may be the best in the world and I don’t know about you, but to me the sponsor's name certainly does not entreat any positive reaction, on the contrary the attempt to surfeit is more often than not, irritating. At times I began to wonder if I am supposed to be entertained with hours of advertisements through which are sometimes glimmers of cricket. Forced on me without fail at the end of every over, when I felt I’ve had enough to the point of being driven to insanity, thankfully I've had the choice to head to the sanctuary of my cosy room where the TV remote is solely under my control and in relief hit the mute button and looked elsewhere than the ads.

There may have been times when batsmen may have spent less time at the crease than his laundry-man may have spent over ironing his shirt crease, yet cricket is entertaining. For it is a game where the batsman is equipped with a brain box (to protect the head) and a cricketer’s box (to protect the groin) though to some the latter is also brain box as apparently all the thinking is done for those right from there!

I liked to watch Pommie's flashing white teeth and dreadlocks being flung fashionably from side to side and suit-booted Shastri straining his jugular veins while spitting out majestically at players during presentation ceremonies. Oh, I am supposed to show high quality interest and excitement in the game, even when I don’t really feel it. However, where else but in cricket world could I have sought little Bruno so cutely scurrying on the ground and entertaining all, something that even cricketers, at times, fail to do?

To me, the SRKs, Zintas and Shettys, Mallyas and Reddys, Haydens and Pandeys, four-legged Brunos and long-legged cheering girls, players at slips and gals in same, Hollywood and beauty pageants, famed drummers and infamous dancers, passions and statistics, sun-screened faces and hat-tricks, beer-sippers and teetotallers, lisping and lip-kissing, bowling maidens and LBWs (to me, teams Lost Beaten Walloped), Manhattan graphs and “luck-yous”, real IPL players and fake bloggers, controversies and conspiracies, team spirits and misunderstandings, histrionics and composures, cool games and euphories, speeches and gymnastics, and through fireworks, prayers, tears, smiles, cheers and dreams in the making and crashing, the heart-wrenching losses and the elusive wins have all been engaging, and at times, thrilling.

Alas, the over-the-top enthusiasm of IPL has finally come to an end.

It’s time to get a life.

Wow, I love this sweet sound of silence this evening.

And am glad to start blogging… again!

~~~

By now, the ‘blogworld’ might have floated thousands of posts on IPL. I shall not apologise for presenting and getting you all bored with one from my end too.

Now that my TV has been off this evening, I have had no choice but to share these few thoughts of my love-hate feelings on IPL… *yawn*

Good night folks and hey don’t forget to write here what you liked/disliked about IPL and which has been your fav IPL moment!

~~~

Happy New Year

Sentimental Speech

Last year at this time, I stood up on the table at that pub, clinked my glass for attention and said that it was time to get ready. I said at the stroke of midnight, I wanted every person in there to be standing next to the one person who made his/her life worth living.

As the clock struck twelve...the bartender was almost crushed to death!

*

My Resolutions

Here are my New Year Resolutions that I won’t keep:

• Watch more Television.
  
• Yea right, I've been missing some good stuff.

• Start being superstitious.
• It's based on science you know.
  

• Read less.
  
• It does not make me think.

• Spend my vacation in Cyberspace.
• Certainly, for it is better than the Himalayas.

• Spread out priorities beyond my ability.
  
• It gets easy to keep track of them that way.

• Stop checking my email at 3:30 in the morning.
• And ignore my insomnia.

• Procrastinate more.
  
• Starting tomorrow.

• Stop sending e-mails, and messages on yahoo and msn messengers, icq, and be on the phone at the same time.
  
• And with the same person.

• Never make New Year's resolutions again.
• Surely not...not till 2009 end.

*

His Resolutions

My friend, and colleague, with whom I share many a laughs whenever possible while in office, does not like to brag. He has permitted me to share with you all how proud he is about the great progress he has made about his resolve to lose weight.

Here are his New Year Resolutions of the past few years as observed by me:

• 2003: He will get his weight down below 180.
• 2004: He will watch his calories until he gets below 190.
• 2005: He will follow his new diet religiously until he gets below 200.
• 2006: He will try to develop a realistic attitude about his weight.
• 2007: He will work out 5 days a week.
• 2008: He will work out 2 days a week.
• 2009: He will try to drive past a gym at least once a week!

*

New Year Wishes, Sincere Ones

To all my friends across the world here are my wishes in the languages I am familiar with:

Happy New Year
English

Naye Saal Ki Shubhkaamnayein
Hindi

Noothana Samvathsarasya Shubhaashayaha
Sanskrit

Tumka Boren Novi Vors Magta
Konkani

Posa Varshada Subhashaya
Tulu

Hosa Varshada Subhaashayagalu
Kannada

Kul'aam Wa Antum Bikhair
Arabic

Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Urdu

*

Have a lovely 2009! Let’s continue smiling, as always. Cheers!

- celine

Hic..December Wedding.

We've had much depressing news the past couple of weeks with the Mumbai crisis. Nevertheless I travelled to the city and spent some memorable times the past few days. In spite of the shadow of terror that passed over the city, it seems to be bouncing back to its past glory. As always, I salute the indestructible and everlasting spirit of Mumbai.

~~~

The past few days have been extremely busy, with so much on my mind and so much to do, and so little time left to write a post before I travelled. I am now snatching a few moments for a quick post, mainly to inform my dear blog friends I am presently in my hometown in India and shall be visiting your interesting blog posts and replying to your comments upon return to a normal life.

~~~

Talking of being busy reminds me of what I read once: If time doesn't wait for you, just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy life. I will. After all, the difference between a battery and a woman is that a battery has a negative side.

Boy, am I glad for this break from routine. The past few days I have not checked emails, nor bothered to clear bulk spam folder offering aphrodisiacs to increase your drive, or miraculous cures for all problems in life, or solicitation for porn viewing, or invitation to participate in a secret account scheme from billionaire widows...haha! Nor drive in the annoying traffic congested roads to reach office in time and put in seven (no, eight) hours of attendance (no, work.) Ah, it's been bliss!

So, why did I travel this time? To grab some more opportunities to explore new places of course. No wait. That's not entirely true. I've travelled because I heard some people wish to get married.

~~~

Uh-oh. Now. Marriage. Why?

There are so many options for suicide: poison, sleeping pills, hanging, lying on train tracks, jumping from buildings…but why marriage? Murder? No problem. But marriage. Why?

Hello all you people in love. Agreed love is one long sweet dream, but don't you know marriage is the alarm clock?

I wonder why people get married in spite of everyone knowing the wise never marry, because when they do, they become otherwise. It is a well known fact that love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!

Recent statistics reveal only 20 percent girls have brains, rest have boyfriends. It is said that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love and after marriage it is in self-defence..haha! Excuse me, before you pounce on me, let me clarify I am not being sexist here, I am simply voicing out what I heard people say. Right now, the bride and groom are clueless as to what they are getting into. And I'm sure most married people agree with me..haha!

Don't worry guys and gals. We all make mistakes. Marriage, after all, is the triumph of imagination over intelligence..haha!

I hope the bride and groom won't get to read my post. If they do, I'm dead, and my specially tailored royal-blue-churidar-suit and the matching accessories and the half-hearted dieting I did to fit into it perfectly would all go waste!

~~~

One's a friend, another family

Now now, jokes apart, this wedding will be special. I personally know this couple from many years, and they know each other since their school days.

I also sense they have been married in most ways since long: they have been friends first, and then fell in love, and now taking a step ahead to be woman and husband, I mean, man and wife.

~~~

In this age of utilizing wedding planners, there is not much left for me to do except discourage them from tying the knot, oops..I mean, give them some moral support and simply enjoy the whole sequence of events.

~~~

Hmm. Marriage. Everyone who wishes to should get married. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life..haha!

~~~

So...I shall be in touch with you all in a few days my dear blog friends. Until then, hic..ciao!

~~~

Hic. Now where did my beer disappear?

~~~

Disclaimer: This post is written in jest and does not actually reflect my views on marriage and related issues.

Honcho in a Wheelbarrow

The muscled honcho brags:
"I can outdo anyone in a feat of strength."


Elderly Sam rises:
"I’ll bet a week's wages I can haul
something in that wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding
that you can’t wheel back."


The braggart accepts the challenge:
"You're on."


Sam reaches for the wheelbarrow by the handles:
"Okay, get in."

Other Fifty-Five posts:

• Why?
• Empowerment
• Donation
  
• Widow
• The Gift
  
• Fifty-Five Fiction

Garhwali Bears with Tiny Bells

Ladakh

Some people live for the fortune, some for power, some for fame, and some to play games. Some say to achieve the purpose meant in their lives blah blah. What are you living for?

I can tell you what I am thinking of. I can tell that because I can think. Or at least I think I can think. I can think because I belong to the great class – the class of Homo sapiens. After all, we are animals (for sure!) with the best thinking process. Or at least we believe so. Why do I digress? Probably to discombobulate.

So, I'm thinking of taking a vacation. Did I hear you ask why?

When I applied for leave, I was asked the same. "Why do you need to go on vacation?" Though I thought, "I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode," I replied calmly with a smile, "To travel." To that I was asked, "And how much of your earnings do you spend on travels?" I replied, "Only 90%." He would not understand the rest is wasted!

It's quite likely that he suffers from a zygomatic twist in the skull. Or what Dr. Mayer-Briggs would probably describe "analysis paralysis." I'm glad am not into assmosis. Oh wait. That has nothing to do with a donkey. Or ass either. It's more to do with the process by which a few so called humans seem to absorb success by sucking up to the boss rather than working for it. I neither want success nor wish to work anymore. I wanna travel, do you understand, Mr. Mustachioed spittlebug?

I should have asked him, "Tell me, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?" but I did not. Diplomacy, after all, is the art of letting someone have your way!

So, why do I need to travel again?

• Because I do not want to be yearning so much while admiring mountain photography online while waiting and hoping someone would take me to those places.
• Because I need a change from the shituation I am in. Probably that's why I doodle more than work these days.
• Because I don't want to be thinking about the warm comfort of early death from job stress. Humor may be hazardous to your health. Hey, I didn't refer to mental health!
• Because I don't want to say a superficial hello or how are you doing to people around me right now as I feel I'm lacking patience to listen to their life stories.
• Because there are times when I feel I want to punch, choke, poison, if not flatten an unpleasant colleague's car tyres these days. Trust me, this has nothing to do with Schadenfreude tendencies.
• Because I've started spending my off time thinking about work, the rest of the time I am busy thinking of travelling.

Ain't that sufficient reason? I can be snarky!

I've decided to get moving. Yes, with just a small backpack, a tuque and a good pair of trekking shoes, and with no regard for day time clothes, or night time and no need for swim wear or matching shoes or matching wraps or a matching bag or a hat, or jewelry or make up. Yay!

Travel time. This trip shall be to the Garhwal region of the northern state of Uttarkhand belonging to the Indian side of Himalayas. Uttarkhand borders the Tibetan plateau in the north and Nepal to the east.

A minor part of the Himalayan range lies in Tibet, Pakistan and Burma. A greater portion of the range lies in Nepal, Bhutan and the Indian states of Jammu & Kashmir, Himachal Pradesh, Sikkim, Arunachal Pradesh and Uttarkhand. I’ve been to those states earlier except Arunachal Pradesh but I should make many more trips.

So, for now, I'm off to Garhwal, a place with spectacular mountain peaks and valleys that is described as Dev Bhoomi to mean, the Land of the Gods. Garhwal is the place of origin of the River Ganga (the Ganges). Garhwal is a place with a multitude of pilgrimage spots.

Don't look at me to elaborate on that. When it comes to proper knowledge on religious matters, I'm as useless as a condom vending machine in the Vatican. Or as useful as a grave robber in a crematorium!

For me, this trip should be stimulating as I intend to enjoy the culture of the new place, the beauty of nature there, its wilderness, the endless scenery of the rugged mountains and their deep valleys and ravines, the wildlife, camping and trekking and lots of adventure. With rains and landslides common at this time during monsoons, I do not know where exactly I'll end up. However, with the belief that destination is not as important as the journey, I am out to enjoy as much of it no matter where the road leads me.

Speaking of wildlife and adventure reminds me of this public service announcement:

In Garhwal, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in Himalayan bear territory. The bells warn away most Himalayan bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Himalayan bears. One can identify Himalayan bear droppings because it has tiny bells in it.

Now do not let that PJ make you angrier than a bear with a sore head!

I wonder now why did a post to convey a short, and hopefully, temporary goodbye to my sweet readers, turn out this long? To that, please answer me first: Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Broca's area is giving trouble today. Enough of gruntling. Logorrhea indeed! Right now I have the feeling that everyone likes me and wants to be like me. At least as far as travels are concerned. Am I right? No? Ah, then I better stop before I am defenestrated.

Won't you wish me well with a small comment? Don't give me the excuse that the keyboard is not attached to your PC, or that the mouse doesn't work! So what if it's not? You can still press F1 to continue. Or press any key to continue...no, no, no, not that one..haha!

I hope to be back in a few weeks. If you need to reach me urgently, please call me on my phoneless cord. Until then, keep smiling my friends. Signing off. Beep-beep!

Tourism Desk Moron - 3

This is the last part of this series. For those who missed out on the previous two posts, you may wish to read it here: TDM-1 and TDM-2.

*

Jaipur in July can be warm and humid. So, more to cool off rather than anything else, I decide to get into Choki Dani's air-conditioned bar to have a beer. That is such a relief from the oppressive heat.

Ah, why does Raja Jawai Singh XIV not arrange for the roads in Jaipur to be air-conditioned as well? He can also arrange to banish people like TDM from getting into the City!

The bar is a regally decorated place with marble carved and gilded furniture. I feel like a member of the royal family to be sitting in such regal surroundings to enjoy. The next half hour is spent cooling off, sipping beer and admiring the place and the artifacts around.

There are a few imbeciles in this world who think single women are defenseless, in general, and especially those who have had an alcoholic drink. These ludicrous ones presume such women are vulnerable and can be taken for a ride. I have the confidence to handle ten such morons like you without any difficulty, do you get it, you cretin?

Needless to mention but I have some rules and discipline that I follow whenever I travel alone. To give one example, I'm careful not to have more than one beer such times. What I can consume and how I can be while in the sanctuary of my own home can be a topic for another post altogether.

TDM: Madam, do you know how much I earn per month blah blah blah it’s far more than people get paid here blah blah blah

There goes big mouth Raja Jai Singh VXXI of Jaipur. Why are you a TDM of that hotel then? How come you aren’t surrounded with your noble courtiers and dainty damsels fanning at you? Don’t make a futile attempt to impress me with your wealth. That is, if a few coins can be considered wealth at all. Your money does not attract me in the least, you nitwit. Not yours. Not anyone else’s.

And then, it is dinner time. As part of the entrance ticket, dinner is served free of charge in another part of Choki Dani to groups of tourists at a time including quite a few foreigners – sitting cross legged on mats placed neatly on the ground in rows. I happen to get a spot close to a Bengali family domiciled in Ajmer. During dinner I converse with them, and in particular with the boy who was sitting right beside me. In between a Canadian gentleman who was in the back row keeps turning his neck and joins in the conversation. I make him feel welcome. A tourist to my country. Is it that you find our conversation more interesting or did you have a fight with your girlfriend?

Dinner is yummy food served on leaves sewed together consisting of a variety of puris, a delectable variety of breads, and tasty preparations of dal and vegetables, culminating in some yummy sweets, all vegetarian and so delicious that I shall remember it for a long time.

After dinner, the trumpeter continues:

TDM: Madam, let me tell you the entire story of how well I took care of this lady blah blah blah she was so tired walking around whole day, she wanted a massage blah blah

Me: [interrupting] I'm not interested in the story.

What what do you think, you fool? Do you think just because I am quiet it is an indication that I am afraid to confront you? Idiot, you are so bloody boring I don’t want to bother to respond to you.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

Keep talking, some day you'll say something intelligent.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

I don’t want to hold your behaviour against you because I realize your doings is not your fault alone. Surely it’s caused by a childhood trauma. May be your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke a cement brick.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

Now, it was getting too much. I think that’s enough. I've had plenty and it was time this stopped. I turn and glare at him and bombarded a few choice words. Wait, it was not just a glare. I give him such a “look” that if looks could kill, he would have been dead then and there.

Hush. Ah, the pleasure of silence. Someone rightly pointed out silence is golden. How long will this joy last? Should I be glad the moron finally gets the message? I delight in the peace and quiet for the rest of the Choki Dani experience. It continues to be so all the way back to the hotel except for an occasional question in a small squeaky voice to which he gets an answer from me - that is if I feel that he deserves it.

And then:

TDM: Madam, we are almost reaching. I live in the same hotel in room number blah blah on floor number blah blah. The hotel has given me free accommodation there blah blah

Me: [interrupt] Ok.

TDM: If you need anything anytime of the day or night, just dial me internally through hotel phone blah blah blah

Me: [interrupt] Ok.

Did you by any chance think I'd admire your audacity? Or bow down to your intrepidity? Hello dumbo, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

We reach the hotel. Can you believe in spite of his gravelling conduct through the evening, I thank him? Accepting the key from the reception, and after the usual responses to good nights to everyone around, I go off to my room.

A leisurely shower is the first thing on my mind upon reaching the room, and soon I am comfy in bed. I make a few phone calls to my family and few friends and brief them on my whereabouts and happenings. In addition to other matters, I also share with them my experience of the first evening in Jaipur and my exasperation with the so called retard of a driver-cum-guide, the TDM. After a few good giggles at my friends' teasing and much laughter at some risqué comments on how I should have reacted at TDM's outrageous and bewildering behavior, I think it is time to settle down for a good night's sleep.

Having been busy at office till the last moment, subsequent flight from Kuwait to Delhi the same evening and then another journey the very next morning by bus from Delhi to Jaipur meant I was up and active the whole of previous night plus 2 full days – a total of almost 40 hours. If there is one such award for a passenger who stays fully awake on all her flights, I can easily win it.

So, I’m kind of jaded now and ready for bed. I switch on the bed lamp and as usual begin reading a book. This is necessary for me to unwind before I fall asleep no matter how dog-tired I am.

And then the phone rings.

FDM: Madam, do you need any help? I can come over to your room blah blah blah

That night, I murdered him.

*

Note: I know some of the humor (mostly that written in italics) in this post is written poking fun at TDM. However, I refuse to apologize to TDM. I also do not wish to plead guilty to murdering him.

PS: Thank you Anil P and Rambodoc for your request in comments section in this post and that which encouraged me to write this series of posts on TDM 1 to 3.

Tourism Desk Moron - 2

For those who missed out on TDM-1, it is here.

So, after thanking DB for his help, I bid him bye for the day at the reception desk as he left to his room. As for me, roused up at being in a new place, like always, immediately upon reaching, I start making inquiries with the FDM if I can explore any place in Jaipur that evening. It's around 5:30 pm then.

FDM guides me to the Tourism Desk of the hotel and introduces me to TDM who has a small office at the other end of the reception area. I get to know that Choki Dani is the only place I could go to since the program starts there in the evenings and lasts till almost midnight. I am overjoyed that I get to spend the evening fruitfully, rather than resting.

At times, especially when in a new place, I feel relaxing is a sheer waste of time. I’ve got one life, and life is short so got to make the most of it and live it to the full. I am lucky not to be fighting to stay alive this day. I have the health and the opportunity to actually choose to do what I wish this moment and so am doing just what I am passionate about. If stopping by the woods and smelling roses is my wish for today, I must do just that. Only thing is I must be wary of the bee entering my olfactory system!

Anyway, to get back to the topic, after a few brief inquiries, I make my decision and pay up for an experience at Choki Dani.

TDM: Madam, the car will be ready to take you in an hour's time.

Me: Thank you.

Approximately an hour later, after a good shower, some tea and snacks in the room, I proceed to the reception area to hand over my room key.

FDM: Madam, your car to go to Choki Dani is ready.

[Gestures towards TDM]

Me: Thank you.

TDM: Madam, the car is waiting outside for you.

[Points to a parked white car quite a distance away]

Me: Thank you.

As I walk towards the car, I sense FDM behind me and in no time he catches up. He starts a conversation and it becomes clear to me that he's off duty from that moment. As I reach my designated vehicle, he’s about to depart, hesitates for a moment and makes a mention casually that he has not been to Choki Dani at all. I instantly feel sorry for him. There I am - travelled from Kuwait and having just reached Jaipur – all set to explore the place. I often think of those people who can't afford to travel or seek entertainment for lack of resources to start with, if not for lack of interest or any other reason.

The chord of sympathy struck in me yet again. So, being the sentimental fool that I can be sometimes, I began to form mental images of this FDM having a large joint family with parents, grandparents, uncles, each with their 4 wives, a multitude of children, and all of them waiting for his salary to buy food to gratify the hunger of 25 hungry mouths. How can a man in such dire straits afford to waste his money to entertain himself at Choki Dani?

Me: I'm about to go there now, and the car is hired only for me. Why don't you check it out tonight if you wish to?

At this time, our moron, TDM reaches there and stops so close that I have to take a step back to steer clear of his breath nearby. Idiot. I would have taught you some manners and trained you if you were a new employee at my firm, but then I think teaching a chimpanzee would be far easier than you. Why have you abandoned your desk and come out, you moron?

TDM overhears me speaking to FDM. I notice a slight hesitation on the part of the FDM to accept my offer.

FDM: But my family is waiting at home .... [incomplete sentence]

He mumbles that unhappily. I shrug and let go of the matter then and there. At least I need not feel guilty anymore of enjoying the pleasures of travels while ignoring the wish of a man who had the responsibility of feeding 25 unfortunate and hungry people at his home!

Then TDM interferes.

TDM: But Mr. DB … [the sentence hangs in mid air]

FDM: Yes, Mr. DB. What would he feel if I were to accompany you in the same car?

So that's why he mumbled an excuse of his family waiting. Hey listen young man, I’ve exonerated myself by offering to help you fulfill what seems to be your hankering to be at Choki Dani as I had nothing to lose in the process anyway. Frankly, I do not care whether you come along or not.

TDM: Mr. DB would be upset if ... [incomplete sentence]

And then it became clear to me what FDM and TDM are trying to convey. To them, like with a few narrow-minded fools I’ve come across in my life, there can be only one relationship between a man and a woman if they are seen together at a hotel. The fact that they saw DB and me at the reception area earlier together made them presume I have some sort of a shady personal relationship with DB. So they were cautious in their approach with me. Dammit, why will I check into two separate rooms if that was the case? I have no qualms about sharing a room with whoever I wish to share it with. I've also shared rooms with friends while I have a platonic yet wonderful connection with them. But then, those are separate matters altogether and I shall try not to digress as I can see this post is already turning lengthy.

Anyway, I don't know why I bother to explain as I say:

Me: Listen, the fact that I got into the hotel with DB does not mean that I am travelling all along with him or that I have a personal connection with him. As far as I am aware, he's here on business as usual while I am a tourist here independently touring Jaipur.

The moment I utter those words I notice a change in attitude in both of them. Oh, body language conveys so much. FDM’s seems tolerable and TDM starts behaving like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.

TDM: (to the poor driver who is a mute spectator to all this drama) Go back. I will personally drive Madam to Choki Dani.

Hey, I am not scared of being alone with you or with anyone else here, ok? I am not one of your pallu-covered village belle who is vulnerable and scared of meeting a man’s eyes. This one here is fiercely independent and possesses steel grit. So don’t ever underestimate her strength, understand? I give a quick glance at FDM and he nods in a positive sign. After all FDM knows TDM better than me at least until that point in time.

TDM: (to me) Madam, I will drive you. I can be your driver-cum-guide.

You will drive me. Yes, you will drive me crazy soon at the rate you have begun. Why only driver-cum-guide? I guess the moron that you are, you can do the work of three - Curly, Larry and Moe. Yes, guides. I’ve seen enough of them during my travels. Some of them are as useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy bottom.

FDM: (weakly and in a small voice) Madam, I could have accompanied you actually, you know.

Tough luck man. You got to learn to make quick decisions in your life. Opportunity doesn’t knock all the time. It is like a case of it does not matter how much milk you spill as long as you don’t lose the cow. You can put things off until tomorrow but tomorrow may never come.

I show no sign of acceptance or rejection and ignore them both. It takes few muscles to smile than frown and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

Other than voicing out firmly that I wish to start immediately, I let them sort it out. I chortle at the situation thinking I don't care if I have a guide or not, if FDM accompanies me or not, if TDM drives me or not, or if anybody accompanies me at all. Lately, I’ve got so used to travelling on my own, that I’m generally fine without any guide or help. All that I need now is a driver to take me around and bring me back to the hotel.

A quick discussion goes on between TDM and FDM. I am overhearing you, in case you are plotting to kidnap and then assassinate me. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Simple. As important as me. My case is like Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares but there is a stupid song about him anyway.

At the end of the discussions and signing of the Treaty of Paris for peace between them, TDM gestures to me to sit in the car and FDM bids me a goodbye albeit with a tinge of sadness.

What follows then, in spite of TDM’s objurgating presence is a lovely evening drive to the village of Tonk with stop overs in between to admire the City. I soak in as much of the history and culture of the place as I could. I have a generally good time at Choki Dani, and being my first day on holiday, as usual, I am pretty energized especially about being in Rajastan, one of the culturally important cities of India.

Normally am able to gauge a person's nature, more or less, within a matter of few minutes of meeting that person and in this case, I have already made my own 'unimpressed' impression of TDM in a matter of few minutes of conversation with him. At the same time the ever patient under the most trying circumstances and tolerant me is the kind who does not express displeasure at anything or anyone until I am irked to a certain limit beyond which it’s calamitous for the person in front of me.

I start taking a few pictures but at a point, TDM captures my camera and keeps clicking away to glory. I let him while thinking I can delete unnecessary stuff later as am having a good time now, and since it has become quite dark, I won’t bother much with photographs. Moron. Appropriating my camera. Surely you are the kind who thinks that if electricity comes from electrons, morality comes from morons. And your idea of morality is holding on slyly to someone else’s camera and hoping I’ll forget to take it back from you.

TDM continues blabbering and his true colors come out, one by one. He does not know that I am aware of the careless words he’s uttering during his never-ending rants. Dimwit. You are the kind of person that one could use as a blueprint to build an idiot. Go see a doctor to have your head examined. If you did, the doctors would surely confirm there is nothing in there.

He spoke about his wife and children and how happy they are in his village. Of course, she’s happy. That’s because she is far away from you, you moron.

Normally, on travels I enjoy talking to strangers and unknown people. In fact, I’ve had some of the most interesting conversations with strangers during my travels. Moron, in your case it is different. I find you as interesting as watching paint dry.

TDM: Madam, you know there was this lady from blah blah ..she was traveling all alone blah blah blah

I hardly respond and mostly ignore all his sentences starting with the word 'Madam' which itself is irritating. But I do not wish to tell him to feel free of the formality lest he get the wrong message. So I have no choice but to manage with the word 'Madam' for the rest of the evening. Stay away from me you dimwit. Your very avatar shrieks out to be someone who is a stupid person's idea of a clever man.

TDM: Madam, do you know a few months back there was this lady from blah blah blah, an NRI who was in Jaipur touring all alone all over India ..blah blah blah

Yes, moron. I hear you. NRI. So? What do you expect me to do now? Give her a Bharat Ratna for bravery? Or arrange for her name to be recorded in the Guinness Book of Records?

On and on he keeps ranting. I hear him in bits and pieces until finally I almost “shut my mind” to his constant jabber. By the way I can do that. Shut my mind when I want to. I can sense ten people talking in a room and yet hear nothing if I don’t wish to – a talent that needs constant practice and honing, which I have been able to perfect over time. Want to try it sometime?

TDM: Madam blah blah blah

You tough-skinned nutcake. Does it not matter to you if someone responds to you or not? A conversation is not when one person talks. Twit. Can you stop blabbering?

TDM: Madam blah blah blah

I am busy now, can I ignore you some other time?

[to be continued]