Tourism Desk Moron - 3

This is the last part of this series. For those who missed out on the previous two posts, you may wish to read it here: TDM-1 and TDM-2.

*

Jaipur in July can be warm and humid. So, more to cool off rather than anything else, I decide to get into Choki Dani's air-conditioned bar to have a beer. That is such a relief from the oppressive heat.

Ah, why does Raja Jawai Singh XIV not arrange for the roads in Jaipur to be air-conditioned as well? He can also arrange to banish people like TDM from getting into the City!

The bar is a regally decorated place with marble carved and gilded furniture. I feel like a member of the royal family to be sitting in such regal surroundings to enjoy. The next half hour is spent cooling off, sipping beer and admiring the place and the artifacts around.

There are a few imbeciles in this world who think single women are defenseless, in general, and especially those who have had an alcoholic drink. These ludicrous ones presume such women are vulnerable and can be taken for a ride. I have the confidence to handle ten such morons like you without any difficulty, do you get it, you cretin?

Needless to mention but I have some rules and discipline that I follow whenever I travel alone. To give one example, I'm careful not to have more than one beer such times. What I can consume and how I can be while in the sanctuary of my own home can be a topic for another post altogether.

TDM: Madam, do you know how much I earn per month blah blah blah it’s far more than people get paid here blah blah blah

There goes big mouth Raja Jai Singh VXXI of Jaipur. Why are you a TDM of that hotel then? How come you aren’t surrounded with your noble courtiers and dainty damsels fanning at you? Don’t make a futile attempt to impress me with your wealth. That is, if a few coins can be considered wealth at all. Your money does not attract me in the least, you nitwit. Not yours. Not anyone else’s.

And then, it is dinner time. As part of the entrance ticket, dinner is served free of charge in another part of Choki Dani to groups of tourists at a time including quite a few foreigners – sitting cross legged on mats placed neatly on the ground in rows. I happen to get a spot close to a Bengali family domiciled in Ajmer. During dinner I converse with them, and in particular with the boy who was sitting right beside me. In between a Canadian gentleman who was in the back row keeps turning his neck and joins in the conversation. I make him feel welcome. A tourist to my country. Is it that you find our conversation more interesting or did you have a fight with your girlfriend?

Dinner is yummy food served on leaves sewed together consisting of a variety of puris, a delectable variety of breads, and tasty preparations of dal and vegetables, culminating in some yummy sweets, all vegetarian and so delicious that I shall remember it for a long time.

After dinner, the trumpeter continues:

TDM: Madam, let me tell you the entire story of how well I took care of this lady blah blah blah she was so tired walking around whole day, she wanted a massage blah blah

Me: [interrupting] I'm not interested in the story.

What what do you think, you fool? Do you think just because I am quiet it is an indication that I am afraid to confront you? Idiot, you are so bloody boring I don’t want to bother to respond to you.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

Keep talking, some day you'll say something intelligent.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

I don’t want to hold your behaviour against you because I realize your doings is not your fault alone. Surely it’s caused by a childhood trauma. May be your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke a cement brick.

TDM: Madam, blah blah blah

Now, it was getting too much. I think that’s enough. I've had plenty and it was time this stopped. I turn and glare at him and bombarded a few choice words. Wait, it was not just a glare. I give him such a “look” that if looks could kill, he would have been dead then and there.

Hush. Ah, the pleasure of silence. Someone rightly pointed out silence is golden. How long will this joy last? Should I be glad the moron finally gets the message? I delight in the peace and quiet for the rest of the Choki Dani experience. It continues to be so all the way back to the hotel except for an occasional question in a small squeaky voice to which he gets an answer from me - that is if I feel that he deserves it.

And then:

TDM: Madam, we are almost reaching. I live in the same hotel in room number blah blah on floor number blah blah. The hotel has given me free accommodation there blah blah

Me: [interrupt] Ok.

TDM: If you need anything anytime of the day or night, just dial me internally through hotel phone blah blah blah

Me: [interrupt] Ok.

Did you by any chance think I'd admire your audacity? Or bow down to your intrepidity? Hello dumbo, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

We reach the hotel. Can you believe in spite of his gravelling conduct through the evening, I thank him? Accepting the key from the reception, and after the usual responses to good nights to everyone around, I go off to my room.

A leisurely shower is the first thing on my mind upon reaching the room, and soon I am comfy in bed. I make a few phone calls to my family and few friends and brief them on my whereabouts and happenings. In addition to other matters, I also share with them my experience of the first evening in Jaipur and my exasperation with the so called retard of a driver-cum-guide, the TDM. After a few good giggles at my friends' teasing and much laughter at some risqué comments on how I should have reacted at TDM's outrageous and bewildering behavior, I think it is time to settle down for a good night's sleep.

Having been busy at office till the last moment, subsequent flight from Kuwait to Delhi the same evening and then another journey the very next morning by bus from Delhi to Jaipur meant I was up and active the whole of previous night plus 2 full days – a total of almost 40 hours. If there is one such award for a passenger who stays fully awake on all her flights, I can easily win it.

So, I’m kind of jaded now and ready for bed. I switch on the bed lamp and as usual begin reading a book. This is necessary for me to unwind before I fall asleep no matter how dog-tired I am.

And then the phone rings.

FDM: Madam, do you need any help? I can come over to your room blah blah blah

That night, I murdered him.

*

Note: I know some of the humor (mostly that written in italics) in this post is written poking fun at TDM. However, I refuse to apologize to TDM. I also do not wish to plead guilty to murdering him.

PS: Thank you Anil P and Rambodoc for your request in comments section in this post and that which encouraged me to write this series of posts on TDM 1 to 3.